Jonathan has had insomnia for a long time. He used to take Ambien for it, and recently he's started taking it again. He was prescribed small pills, which he could take one or two at a time. He has been taking one, but a few nights ago he upped the dosage to two. Hilarity ensued.
As soon as he took it, he started babbling about how fantastic it was. "This is why people pay for these on the street! This is so intense! Did you feel that? It's intense!" I told him that no, I couldn't feel it, as I do not suffer from insomnia and therefore did not take any sleeping pills.
Next he decided he needed to call some people and share his experience with the world. "Get me the phone! I need to call Josh and be funny!" So he called my brother Josh, informed him that he (Jonathan) was going to be funny, and slurred his words. Josh listened for a few minutes, then hung up. Our friend Camilla was next on his list. She didn't answer the phone, but this didn't fully register. So he left a slurred, fairly incoherent message which included some singing. Then he called her back and left a similar message. Finally he called one of his friends who knew him back when he used to take Ambien. From this friend, he got the idea that dancing would be a good idea.
So Jon got up and started disco-ing. Then he stumbled into the kitchen for some reason known only to himself. Unfortunately, his muscles were not cooperating very well. I helped him back into the living room, where he decided he needed to learn the "thingy". I asked him what he was talking about. "The thingy! Teach me the thingy!" It turned out he meant the cha-cha. So I showed him a little bit on the condition that next he would go to bed.
He didn't. Next he lay down on the floor and waxed philosophical. "Let's just be," he said. I asked if we could "be" with pillows. "No, let's just be." Shortly thereafter, he announced that the medicine had worn off and he wasn't drowsy anymore. "Let's go watch Arrested Development!" So we went to watch Arrested Development. I could tell he was awake because he laughed at every joke, but I could also tell he was tired because his laughter lagged about five seconds behind the jokes.
Last night he took Ambien again. This time it was significantly less crazy. The best part was when he informed me that we need to have a baby so we can put knickers and a petticoat on it. I asked if both the knickers and the petticoat were essential, and he said they were. "The petticoat will keep the baby warm." Then he said that the baby would need a lamp as well. "Not a candle, but a lamp."
He finally went to sleep, and I was left only with these stories and the firm conviction that Ambien is "intense", but only if you actually take it.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Transcript
So that you may benefit from my misfortunes, I am transcribing for you the more interesting parts of the conversation currently being had by the two plumbers who have come to fix our ceiling. We noticed a few days ago that there was water damage on our ceiling, and called our landlady, who promptly did nothing. We called again, and she said our plumber is out of town. Today it got worse, we called again, and she finally agreed to call an in-town plumber.
Incidentally, I think I may have bad karma, because something similar happened in my last apartment.
The below are things that you never really want to hear, especially in quick succession.
Looks like the whole ceiling's falling in.
Oh, geez.
OK, which is the biggest rip?
Heads up!
"Whole thing's gonna come down on us." "I know it."
It's under the upstairs toilet.
Oh, &%*$!
Oh, there's a flood!
It's definitely from flushing the toilet.
Hope nobody [needs to poop].
"Come out like crazy, didn't it?" "Yeah, it's a nasty leak."
We have to go get some more parts. Somebody's going to have to replace the whole ceiling, but for now we'll just stop the leak.
And, for dramatic effect:
Before:
After:
Incidentally, I think I may have bad karma, because something similar happened in my last apartment.
The below are things that you never really want to hear, especially in quick succession.
Looks like the whole ceiling's falling in.
Oh, geez.
OK, which is the biggest rip?
Heads up!
"Whole thing's gonna come down on us." "I know it."
It's under the upstairs toilet.
Oh, &%*$!
Oh, there's a flood!
It's definitely from flushing the toilet.
Hope nobody [needs to poop].
"Come out like crazy, didn't it?" "Yeah, it's a nasty leak."
We have to go get some more parts. Somebody's going to have to replace the whole ceiling, but for now we'll just stop the leak.
And, for dramatic effect:
Before:
After:
Monday, August 23, 2010
Huzzah
Apparently my life can now be summed up by Dilbert cartoons.
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1998-08-09/
In this case, I'm on the other side of the line. A few days ago I got a letter from my bank informing me that they had made changes to my credit card policy, which "may be beneficial, depending on how [I] use [my] account." What were these potentially beneficial changes, you ask?
Increased fees for late payments, cash advances, transactions in foreign countries, and going over balance.
Yep. That sounds beneficial, all right. Maybe it provides an incentive to be financially responsible, which is a good thing? Maybe they're going for the "...money is the root of all evil" angle? Or maybe it's just that they didn't specify who exactly gets the benefits. I think that's the one.
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1998-08-09/
In this case, I'm on the other side of the line. A few days ago I got a letter from my bank informing me that they had made changes to my credit card policy, which "may be beneficial, depending on how [I] use [my] account." What were these potentially beneficial changes, you ask?
Increased fees for late payments, cash advances, transactions in foreign countries, and going over balance.
Yep. That sounds beneficial, all right. Maybe it provides an incentive to be financially responsible, which is a good thing? Maybe they're going for the "...money is the root of all evil" angle? Or maybe it's just that they didn't specify who exactly gets the benefits. I think that's the one.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Funny?
Apparently I, like my husband, need practice being funny. For your reading pleasure, I am about to record for you "the best joke I ever told" (according to Jonathan).
Jonathan: That's the state correctional facility.
Rachel: That's where they grade tests.
Haha, right? This was closely followed by my "second best joke" (ibid).
Jonathan: That guy from church is coming over today. What's his name? Garth something? Something Walker?
Rachel: Darth Walker?
So apparently that's my best material. Don't worry; I'm working on it.
Jonathan: That's the state correctional facility.
Rachel: That's where they grade tests.
Haha, right? This was closely followed by my "second best joke" (ibid).
Jonathan: That guy from church is coming over today. What's his name? Garth something? Something Walker?
Rachel: Darth Walker?
So apparently that's my best material. Don't worry; I'm working on it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Exercises in Futility
Ever since I was 17, Capital One has been sending me credit card applications and urging me to apply. "We have good policies!" "It would be wise to choose us!" "What's in your wallet?" "Please, please, please, please!" These applications came roughly every six weeks.
Recently I've been thinking about closing my Wells Fargo bank account, but I have a credit card with them, and I don't want to lose that. So I decided to finally apply for a Capital One card. I waited for the next application they sent me (not a long wait) and filled it out.
Two days later, I got a letter from them. They declined my application, citing my "insufficient credit history". Which kind of begs the question, are there a lot of 17-year-olds with sufficient credit history?
Recently I've been thinking about closing my Wells Fargo bank account, but I have a credit card with them, and I don't want to lose that. So I decided to finally apply for a Capital One card. I waited for the next application they sent me (not a long wait) and filled it out.
Two days later, I got a letter from them. They declined my application, citing my "insufficient credit history". Which kind of begs the question, are there a lot of 17-year-olds with sufficient credit history?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Kids say what now?
I've been asked to teach the six-year-olds in my ward. Today was my first week. The last time I had any significant interaction with a six-year-old was when Julia was six, which was seven years ago. Needless to say, I wasn't quite sure what to do with them, and class did not stay on task. Here are some of the things we talked about.
Bird-eating tarantulas. One kid, who told me his name was Paul and then later told me his name was Ethan, apparently has a bird-eating spider living in the tree outside his house. It bit his cat, and one time he watched it eat a bird.
Six-foot-tall purple geese with eggs as big as a child's head.
What's a bulldog's favorite activity? Bowling (bulling).
One of the kids wanted to play a game. He explained it thusly: He would draw three cups on the board. Somebody would choose a cup. He would pretend to look under the cup and say whether there it concealed an imaginary ball.
It wasn't all random non sequiturs, though. Ethan/Paul asked an important question.
"If a kid falls down the stairs, will they die?"
I said probably not, but it depends on how far they fall and how hard the ground is. Every child then piped in with a story about the time they fell down the stairs and did not die, including Paul/Ethan.
Good thing I have the opportunity to mold young minds.
Bird-eating tarantulas. One kid, who told me his name was Paul and then later told me his name was Ethan, apparently has a bird-eating spider living in the tree outside his house. It bit his cat, and one time he watched it eat a bird.
Six-foot-tall purple geese with eggs as big as a child's head.
What's a bulldog's favorite activity? Bowling (bulling).
One of the kids wanted to play a game. He explained it thusly: He would draw three cups on the board. Somebody would choose a cup. He would pretend to look under the cup and say whether there it concealed an imaginary ball.
It wasn't all random non sequiturs, though. Ethan/Paul asked an important question.
"If a kid falls down the stairs, will they die?"
I said probably not, but it depends on how far they fall and how hard the ground is. Every child then piped in with a story about the time they fell down the stairs and did not die, including Paul/Ethan.
Good thing I have the opportunity to mold young minds.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
That's Good! That's Bad!
When I was young, one of my favorite books was called "That's Good! That's Bad!" It was about a boy who gets carried into the jungle by his balloon, and a bunch of good and bad things happen to him. Anyway, that's kind of like my life now, only there are fewer balloons and elephants and so forth in my life.
I finished my internship, so I no longer have to wake up at 5:45 every morning. That's good! But I have nothing to do all day. That's bad!
I have been filling my time with reading wikipedia articles, which is pretty interesting. That's good! But most of them have been about serial killers, which is really creepy and not the best choice of reading material for someone who is alone all day. That's bad!
We don't have to use the air conditioning because living in a basement keeps us pretty cool (and also because we don't have an air conditioner). That's good! Our upstairs neighbors do use air conditioning, and we are subsidizing it by paying 40% of our cumulative utilities. That's bad!
I have nothing more to say. That's good (for you)!
I finished my internship, so I no longer have to wake up at 5:45 every morning. That's good! But I have nothing to do all day. That's bad!
I have been filling my time with reading wikipedia articles, which is pretty interesting. That's good! But most of them have been about serial killers, which is really creepy and not the best choice of reading material for someone who is alone all day. That's bad!
We don't have to use the air conditioning because living in a basement keeps us pretty cool (and also because we don't have an air conditioner). That's good! Our upstairs neighbors do use air conditioning, and we are subsidizing it by paying 40% of our cumulative utilities. That's bad!
I have nothing more to say. That's good (for you)!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Surprise
I promised Jonathan I would write a blog post today. For some reason when he is falling asleep and/or under the influence of (legal) drugs, it becomes vitally important that I write something.
On the other hand, I don't really have anything to say. So I am going to tell you all some things you (probably) didn't know about me.
1) Every time I eat something with sugar in it, I get a really sour taste in my mouth afterward. I think this explains a lot about my eating preferences. The pleasure of the sweetness has to outweigh the displeasure of the sourness. I've never liked fruit very much because the mild sweetness is easily outweighed by the hours of sourness. Chocolate has an especially sour aftertaste, so I don't like it as much as some other people. I love mints because the minty taste overpowers the sour flavor.
2) When I drink through straws, I always clamp the straw between my teeth and drink one or two drops at a time. I am always vaguely ashamed when the waiter or waitress comes to refill my drink and the straw is mangled, but I do it anyway.
3) Every time I fill out a word verification so I can leave a comment on someone else's blog, I get a little excited. I always hope that it will be either a real word (good) or almost a real word (better) or a word verification I've had before (best). My computer remembers things I've entered into fields. When I've typed scyk and there still are two words hovering waiting for me to choose them, it makes me happy Then I type o and they go away. But one day I will get a duplicate. And I will be happy.
On the other hand, I don't really have anything to say. So I am going to tell you all some things you (probably) didn't know about me.
1) Every time I eat something with sugar in it, I get a really sour taste in my mouth afterward. I think this explains a lot about my eating preferences. The pleasure of the sweetness has to outweigh the displeasure of the sourness. I've never liked fruit very much because the mild sweetness is easily outweighed by the hours of sourness. Chocolate has an especially sour aftertaste, so I don't like it as much as some other people. I love mints because the minty taste overpowers the sour flavor.
2) When I drink through straws, I always clamp the straw between my teeth and drink one or two drops at a time. I am always vaguely ashamed when the waiter or waitress comes to refill my drink and the straw is mangled, but I do it anyway.
3) Every time I fill out a word verification so I can leave a comment on someone else's blog, I get a little excited. I always hope that it will be either a real word (good) or almost a real word (better) or a word verification I've had before (best). My computer remembers things I've entered into fields. When I've typed scyk and there still are two words hovering waiting for me to choose them, it makes me happy Then I type o and they go away. But one day I will get a duplicate. And I will be happy.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Not a funny post
I realize that probably fewer of my posts than I think are funny. This one, however, is not even intended to be funny. Some of you are now shocked that this is an unusual occurrence, but whatevs. Life goes on.
Disclaimer to this post: I love my husband, and I believe service within a marriage is a good thing. That said...
Today at church one of the women was talking about how much she loves her family. OK, I can buy that. She went on to say she really loves her husband. We're still on the same page up to this point. Then she went on to say that serving her family is the main thing that gives her fulfillment in life, and that her very favorite things to do are things that her husband could do for himself, such as bringing him glasses of water and taking his shoes off when he gets home from work. We are no longer on the same page.
I respect that people make different decisions in life and that every person is different. I just have a hard time with deriving all of one's pleasure and purpose in life from other people. What would she do if her husband died? How would she go on? I imagine it would be heartrending under any circumstances, but if she has no interests or meaning outside of her marriage, wouldn't a tragic occurrence be even more difficult to deal with?
I hope I'm misinterpreting what she said. I'm hoping that even though when asked to tell a bit about herself, she chose to say that she likes taking off her husband's shoes, she also is an avid reader, or is working on a novel, or is a gourmet chef, or goes for three mile runs every morning, or something.
Maybe I should walk a mile in her shoes before I judge her. I could introduce myself with a list of things I do for Jonathan. But that feels unfair, because he does things for me too. So maybe when asked to tell about myself, I'll say, "I get my husband glasses of water, but he drives me to work every morning. So it's cool, and not a weird subservient thing at all." So maybe I'll just keep walking in my own shoes and hoping that her shoes are not that different from mine, except for what she chooses to share about herself. And you know, I usually choose to share nothing about myself, so who am I to judge?
Disclaimer to this post: I love my husband, and I believe service within a marriage is a good thing. That said...
Today at church one of the women was talking about how much she loves her family. OK, I can buy that. She went on to say she really loves her husband. We're still on the same page up to this point. Then she went on to say that serving her family is the main thing that gives her fulfillment in life, and that her very favorite things to do are things that her husband could do for himself, such as bringing him glasses of water and taking his shoes off when he gets home from work. We are no longer on the same page.
I respect that people make different decisions in life and that every person is different. I just have a hard time with deriving all of one's pleasure and purpose in life from other people. What would she do if her husband died? How would she go on? I imagine it would be heartrending under any circumstances, but if she has no interests or meaning outside of her marriage, wouldn't a tragic occurrence be even more difficult to deal with?
I hope I'm misinterpreting what she said. I'm hoping that even though when asked to tell a bit about herself, she chose to say that she likes taking off her husband's shoes, she also is an avid reader, or is working on a novel, or is a gourmet chef, or goes for three mile runs every morning, or something.
Maybe I should walk a mile in her shoes before I judge her. I could introduce myself with a list of things I do for Jonathan. But that feels unfair, because he does things for me too. So maybe when asked to tell about myself, I'll say, "I get my husband glasses of water, but he drives me to work every morning. So it's cool, and not a weird subservient thing at all." So maybe I'll just keep walking in my own shoes and hoping that her shoes are not that different from mine, except for what she chooses to share about herself. And you know, I usually choose to share nothing about myself, so who am I to judge?
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