The Most Illegal Contract

Remember how I actually read contracts? I've found one even more illegal sounding than a certain waterpark's. The people who drafted our apartment rental agreements seem to be under the impression that if you sign your name to something, that signature supersedes local, state, and even federal law. Here are some of the worst, most unethical-at-best, illegal-at-worst things to come out of it. As a side note, the Resident is referred to as an "it" throughout the document.

1. Throughout the document, the resident agrees to things for all their guests. I'm pretty sure I don't have power of attorney for any of my visitors, and I can't agree to anything on their behalf. They would have to sign their own waiver. Example: "Resident shall indemnify Owner from any liability to any third party." OK, I indemnify them, but that doesn't mean my visitors do. Other example: "This waiver shall apply to all residents, occupants, guests, and minors." This one goes in the illegal category.

2. "In the event [the premises] are condemned as a result of any type of governmental action, Owner shall not be liable for any damages to Resident." (This one is probably just unethical.)

3. If we decide to make any repairs that the landlord refuses to make, we are required to
a. Pay for it ourselves (fair enough so far).
b. Obtain three independent estimates (what?).
c. Utilize the lowest estimate. (Why do they care what we do when we're paying for it?)

4. "In no event shall Resident make any repairs itself." (Told you they call us "it.")

5. We agree to potentially perjure ourselves (illegal category): "Resident agrees to defend Owner against any and all claims, actions, causes of action, demands, losses, damages, and expenses of any kind...arising out of the growth or proliferation of mold or mildew or other contamination in the premises." Um, no. Also, again with the I don't have power of attorney for my guests issue: "Resident agrees that Owner shall not be liable for any damages caused to Resident's guests resulting from mold, mildew, or any other contamination."

6. We agree not to have the premises tested for any sort of contaminant. If we really want, we can pay the owner to perform the tests, but they don't have to disclose the results to us unless the results are above legal limits. This one is borderline, but I tend to believe it's illegal.

7. The owner is not responsible for any damages caused by structural problems, toxins, contamination, or "negligent behavior of Owner or its agents." This is also in the probably illegal category.

8. "By this agreement each Resident herein grants a power of attorney to each other Resident." I don't think they're very clear on who can give power of attorney to whom and what that means. And I'm certainly glad I'm married, because I'd hate to have some random roommate having power of attorney for me.

9. If we don't stay here for our full term of contract, we not only have to keep paying rent for the months we don't live here, we also have to pay $2000 extra for "leasing agent costs, advertising expenses, and other costs incidental to re-renting the premises." Also we have to pay back the $150 per month that we've had knocked off the rent for being good folks. The moral of the story: If we move out before our term is up, we just won't tell them. We'll keep paying rent for our empty apartment.

10. If the owner's costs increase for any reason, they can increase our rent based on a "formula to be determined by Owner." Seems fair. I'm sure we can trust them to do the right thing.

11. This one is definitely 100% illegal. Or insubstantially illegal. The Owner's responsibilities: "Remain in substantial compliance with federal, state, and local laws."

12. Probably illegal, at least unethical. We grant them a security interest in all our property, including our car. They can sell anything we own that we keep on their premises with a 7-day written notice, but "resident agrees to waiver of notice of the sale."

13. Violation of ADA: "Resident is required to get approval for any service animal PRIOR to the animal coming onto the premises." I can see informing them, but I don't think they really have the right to approve or disapprove. Especially when they allow pets without an approval process.

The whole thing is approved by a law office that is rated F by the BBB and comes up on multiple consumer complaint sites for shady business practices and potential violations of the law. On the other hand, it's highly rated by apartment complexes.

Rachel vs. the DMV

If you, for some reason, were entirely obsessed with me, you may remember that I actually changed my name almost a year ago. Since then, I have had no confirmation of who I actually am. So that's cool, but I decided it had to change. So, my naivety intact, I decided to head to the Driver's License Division and get things taken care of.
While there I learned the following things:

Just because their website says your address is changed doesn't mean the employees there will realize it.

Apparently there is a problem with people who have their driver's license (with their photo and so forth) mailed to somebody else's address.

A document from the internet is good proof that you live where you say you live.

A receipt showing that you paid $500 for the privilege of moving into an apartment is not.

A signed or verbal statement from my husband/cohabitant or my apartment manager is not.

You can change your address over the internet or phone with no information besides your driver's license number and new address. In person, you need your driver's license number, previous address, birth certificate, social security card, and two pieces of mail. Or a piece of mail and something you printed off the internet. Or a signed lease agreement. (I didn't realize the risk of fraud was so much greater in person.)

It doesn't matter if you were in the building before they close. If you haven't been helped by closing time, you must leave.

Graduate

So there was this one time that I graduated. It was pretty cool and stuff. I got to walk across the stage (third one!) and then I got to wait and wait and wait while everybody else I knew and didn't know walked across the stage also.

And then I got a diploma.

And now I have to figure out what I want to do. I feel like Inigo Montoya--I've been in the school business for so long, that now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I've considered and rejected piracy, so I guess that's progress, but I have this feeling that the process of elimination will take too long. So I'm open to suggestions, I suppose.